Diary of a broken heart

I do not recognise myself. I think I am lost, lost somewhere in the space where no individual is present, not even me. When I heard he was getting engaged I felt a sharp pain. All of a sudden this loneliness is killing me. Was it love? No, I had long come out of this feeling. Then why am I feeling sick at the thought of him getting married to some other girl. I do not know what other mortals would have felt had they been in my place. I think its jealousy. No, not jealous that he is loving some other girl. I am envious that I being the one trying so hard to forget everything, to move on in life, am still standing there where he had left me. I had broken up, then why am I still weeping. Isn't it the only thing I had always wanted. Didn't I want to get out of the web of constant arguments, possessiveness, insecurity and find peace. We change and see things differently with time. We had moved away from each other so much that it was almost impossible to rejoin. The constant struggle had brought in such mental fatigue, that all my thoughts were blurred. Didn’t I think that freedom is precious than companionship. Then why now am I feeling that I am all alone. I do not have anywhere to go, anybody to share my feelings. As rightly said by Rumi, the heart is the secret inside the secret and you can never say what is concealed inside you. God has blessed me with whatever I wished for, but where is the fire in my existence? Why am I not living my life? Why am I so much in pain? My tears have dried but still I do not have the courage to hope for love. 

Today I saw him in the corridor. I have liked this guy for a some time now. He is the only person who has made me smile even when my life was falling apart. He is like a balm to my broken heart. This new feeling is gripping me fast, but it is not love. No I am sure it is not, or is it? May be he is the spring in my life after a dreadful winter. But I am scared. Should I let my feelings flow, I may get hurt again. But isn't that life itself to swing through the happy and sad times? If I don’t fall in love, may be there will not be another chance. Maybe my existence will be reduced to that of a lifeless stagnant inanimate object. This turmoil will come to an end. My soul and mind will be together once again. Life has to move on, I have to make a constant effort. I read somewhere that the world tries to fool us with ‘tomorrow’, which we have to outwit by living our lives just ‘now’.